The Devil Wears A Duck Jumper

Personal Assistant Vacancy For Toddler

Seeking an experienced and efficient aide who is prepared for anything in this demanding role.

You will be answering directly to a fearless dictator whose fashion tastes and ideals are extremely particular, verging on the preposterous.

Assistance in dressing is required, but anticipate your suggestions being constantly tested and challenged.  Season and practicality are irrelevant.  You must be able to think on your feet in order to get this exacting chief to her busy calendar of appointments on time, yet able to face the elements, and most importantly – in style.

Certain wardrobe staples must always be on hand, clean and ready to wear, regardless of time, situation, and size.

Child wearing a white beret and frilled collar
How do I look? (Nursery Whines)

The successful candidate will be fluent in flattery and furnished with a library of complimentary remarks.

Any question of judgement or scruples will result in immediate dismissal.

Your own personal appearance is equally important.  This diva won’t step out without her staff also meeting her exacting standards.  Clothing, jewellery, even make-up will be directed.  Hair must be available at all times for your employer to handle at will. Mascara is highly desirable and accessories expected to be elaborate.  Think special occasion, every day.

Child wearing sunglasses and dungarees
You’re cramping my style (Nursery Whines)

The successful candidate will have a strong disposition, be able to tolerate harsh criticism and the adaption ability of a chameleon.  Patience is key.

Expect requests designed to push your skills and resources to the very limit.  Be prepared to make the impossible, possible.

Your position is not just that of assistant but also of companion. The agent must be able to engage in role play, singing, drawing and giving chase on demand. Some skills in these areas preferred but not vital.

Child wearing a trilby hat and pink sunglasses sitting in a pink toy car
Keep up! (Nursery Whines)

Knowledge of Disney songs, children’s literature and the animal kingdom essential. The ideal candidate will also show an enthusiasm for Mr. Men books.

Some cooking and cleaning is required. But these services must be carried out swiftly and with discretion, so as not to show any deviation from the main role.

While the employer may appear to know it all, even they are human.  Applicants must have the ability to subtly suggest rest and recuperation may be for the greater good, whilst simultaneously allowing the director to maintain it is their own idea.

Child sitting on a train wearing sunglasses
Where’s my coffee? (Nursery Whines)

The attendant must be on call day and night to pre-empt wants, needs and desires.

This is an ideal job for a dedicated worker with no personal life or hobbies.  Though not strictly a vocational role, devotion to the task in hand makes for a smoother operation.

The benefits and rewards of this golden opportunity will become apparent to the right candidate.

Required qualifications: Distraction Technique, Counting To Ten (Under Your Breath)

Essential reading: The Emperor’s New Clothes, The Mr. Men canon, The Wizard of Oz

Child wearing sunglasses on head and a kintted jumper with a duck on walking in the park and holding a stick up
Whip-crack-away! (Nursery Wnines)

Time wasters need not apply.


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